i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
