If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
