where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
