I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
