if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Dignity is for republicans.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
