I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
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