i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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