she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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