I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
