There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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