Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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