I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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