had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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