She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
