I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
