it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
