Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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