i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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