Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
