good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
