I can text with my tongue
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
