The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
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