Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
i will never coherently bang her
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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