wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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