i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
