What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
two words...techno handjob
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
