I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
