I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
