Fine. I'll sleep in my office
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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