everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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