i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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