I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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