i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
