I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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