im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
