I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
