My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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