omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
