Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
