he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
