the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
