So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
