I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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