Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
