so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck