Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
