Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
