I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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