Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
