You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
