I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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