I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize