her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
