i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
