Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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