Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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