Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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